The demise of a beard worth it’s weight in silver

Stephen Colbert

May it live on in the hearts and minds of all.

So I must apologise, my fantastically facially follicular friends (check it out, the new guy likes alliteration and making up words). I had hoped my first article would be the start of a ‘Beards In Pop Culture’ series, both to entertain and educate.

But alas, it will not be about the growing of a beard in pop culture. Instead it will be about the shaving of one.

I know, it’s both tragic and an affront to decency. Thus, it needs to be spoken about, my bearded brethren. The beard I speak of is as you may have guessed, the Colbeard.

Stephen Colbert, both a funny and politically minded man, is set to start hosting the Late Show starting in September, taking over the reins from Mr David “Late Show” Letterman himself. I don’t believe that is actually his middle name, though it should be by this point. Although this piece is not about Letterman, so I digress.

Colbert has been out of the public eye since The Colbert Report left our televisions in December. And during this public absence, Mr Colbert had the opportunity to finally do something we, my friends, take for granted.

He was able to grow a well groomed, silver fox of a beard – it was in fact a thing of majesty and beauty.

This beard has met its unfortunate end. Posting up the first video for the show’s new Youtube channel, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, we were introduced to Colbert’s new friend.

It was not a hotdog, it was in fact his beard.

The video, simply titled ‘The Colbeard,’ both introduces us to the newfound friendship and then quickly rips it from us. But not before Colbert shows us what he believes may be some of the hottest future facial fads to come.

We start with a simple shaven strip above the centre of his lip. This is “The Unhitler,” based on the comic book superhero of said name, who according to Colbert flies around fighting his evil identical twin cousin Adolf Hitler.

I have yet to find the first issue, but the internet has somewhat embraced ‘The Unhitler’ nonetheless.

Colbert then showed us what he believes will go viral, his Amish beard. “Just as soon as they get wifi in their butter churns,” he reminded us.

He followed this with the “Half-Wolverine”, which is literally just one sideburn. He has an adamantium skeleton, but no claws or healing factor. Sometimes it is easy to forget that Colbert really is a huge nerd.

What a dreamboat. This was his last ‘fluffy fuzz fiasco.’

Not to worry, Colbert did treat us to a trip down memory lane, showing us some of the good times he had with his beard. It was nice to be able to relive some intimate moments between the two, icecream and a 3D movie were amongst my favourites.

So, I would like to ask for a moment in memoriam for the Colbeard, may it live on eternally in our hearts and minds until its return.

PS. When you watch the video, which has reached a million plus views since it was released on the 3rd of June, try to not grow too attached to what really does look like a good hotdog. It suffers a fate worse than death.

PPS. Please forgive my alliteration, I really do enjoy it.

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Written by Jack Nichollas

Profile photo of Jack Nichollas

My beard is the first thing I have liked about my face in my entire life. It's nice liking your own face.
I am also passionate about theatre/drama, writing and reading, vidyagamez, music and movies and television.
I have been Straight Edge for over a decade.